The old desk in my room:

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Being computerless has been good for my concentration. It’s not just a matter of being undistracted – no temptation to “just quickly check my email” every 15 minutes – i seem able to really think about things now. i pray, if i ever can afford a computer (unlikely) i can also afford an armed guard to stop me using it more than an hour a day. Hard to concentrate in internet cafes, hence these diary-like posts. My thinking, such as it is, goes into ink on paper, by hand (in a sense i think with my left kill hand, or rather the hand brings my thoughts into the light).

And now, fashion. The question must come to every runologist, is a fob watch/valknut an acceptable combination? Question answered:

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And what do out-of-work sorcerers eat, on their huge antique desks? Eine Primavera Maxi Classic (spinach and some kind of dead animal).

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Still no students. i reckon i’d need to teach about 10 hours a week to just about scrape by, which probably means 10 students. After a week i have none. However, my Bible-collecting landlady asked if i’d teach les jeunes, and offered to put an ad up in her church, so i may after all end up teaching (Christian) schoolkids, though one-on-one rather than en masse. i am not good at crowd control; i feel false and weird when i have to simultaneously engage more than a couple of people at once. It’s not just teaching: on the rare occasions i attend parties i either latch onto one person and ignore everyone else, or become grim and brooding, as if the mere presence of human beings is matter for profound suspicion (as it usually is). Something valuable in speech and one’s sense of oneself seems to dissipate and go awry outside of the intimacy of one-on-one conversation. i am puzzled that a weird, inhuman energy can enter language under these conditions, as if, instead of fizzling away as it ought, such speech becomes terrible and destructive. i cannot use this energy; not for moral reasons, i just can’t.

My writings are, in all their variety, a conversation with myself. It is when i try to address people that i fail; some people can do it, but i wonder how – it seems inevitable that such speech becomes both coarser and blander. Bland and coarse is, however, the way of things. i oppose this trend, if only for my own satisfaction.

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