Bought a pizza. Went into the kitchen to get the pizza-cutter. My landlady and her boyfriend were at one end of the room, arranging wet clothes on a drying rack. i presume they were my landlady’s clothes as she was naked.

Although she’s not really my type – too young (24), and not really complicated enough to exasperate me – she is quite pretty, so this was an unexpected but welcome sight. However, it presented

A Question of Etiquette

– namely, how does one act in the presence of an attractive naked woman, to whom one is not actually attracted?

i considered:

1. Saying hello and then acting as if nothing was unusual;

2. Staring at her fixedly, rubbing my thighs and licking my lips.

3. Leaving instantly, getting my camera, and then returning to take photos of her as if she were a monument, from different angles, considering the lighting and composition, asking her boyfriend to take a shot of me posing next to her, etc.

4. Spanking her hard on the ass with a great Pete Townshend-like arm-windmill. i nearly did this to a big-assed exhibitionist woman at my first really bad temp job in 2004 – she strutted about in barmaid clothes, exposing her considerable cleavage; fine by me, but she had a “look at me!” quality i disliked, also she was evil. Anyway, i came back to my desk to find her bent over a nearby computer, talking to one of my colleagues. As i walked past i began the Townshend arm-windmill and – in full view of the 50 or so people in the office – executed a partial slap, only halting about 3 inches from her huge buttocks. She was the only person who didn’t see it, but i think she realised something was going on, just from the looks on the other people’s faces; she turned suspiciously, to see me sauntering to my desk in my nonchalant, innocent way.

5. Saying quickly, “it’s okay, i’m not a lesbian” to reassure her.

In the end i ignored them both, looked for the pizza cutter, couldn’t find it, and went back to my room where i ate the pizza with my serial killer knife.

It was a pretty good pizza.

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