1. Quite wonderful.

2. Today i go to view a flat. i am keen on having  found a place of my own by the time my beastly training begins next week. However, staying with Morgana has proved surprisingly enjoyable. In a sense we are both sociophobes – it´s just she´s a gregarious sociophobe, i´m an out & out misanthrope. When (my brother-in-TEFL) David wanted to smoke on my first day, she said: “open the window, I don´t want to kill Elberry” (my asthma); by the second day this had become:  “open the window, I don´t want to kill Elberry yet.” i had a moderately severe asthma attack at another TEFLer´s flat (his dog, Bones, to blame, perhaps) and shrugged off concern with an indifference born of 4 to 5 years in the trenches of office work, nearly dying of asthma at least once a year. To me this is simply logical – we all die so it makes no difference if it is now or in 20 years; and if it isn´t today, yet it will come, and will not be evaded. Morgana fixed me with her will and steely German gaze, and said, menacingly: “I won´t let you die.” A formidable woman.

3. Yesterday, lost in the park, i felt the awareness of crows, black against the bright blue sky, between yet leafless trees. i have in mind an elaborate rune work i wish to do for someone. It will take months to get to the point where i am capable; because i strongly feel the need of this particular work, i have a useful spur to do rune work more regularly. i reflect that, having (somehow) lived to 34, i cannot live for myself – on my own i enter a marginal state where i sleep massively, read without purpose, and watch my life run out without consequence – i need to reach out to others, in my strange way.

4. As i write this the mid March sun is warm across the right side of my battered old face, my two hands, and i feel i exist, i have two hands, i have my battered old face, i am again me, despite everything.

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