i’ve only been properly angry a handful of times in the last decade but i am irritable and saturnine this evening, thanks to the intricacies of international finance – namely how to meet my monthly credit card repayments when the card is English and my available funds are in a German bank. It turns out that the easiest way is to wire money to an English friend, via Western Union, and for her to go to the local branch and deposit it in my name. For this, i have spent 30 minutes on the phone, 15 of those minutes spent listening to muzak and reading G.K. Chesterton. i am tempted to send the phone bill to my English bank, or perhaps the German one, or both.

i wish my banks could take on human form, so i could throttle them, slowly, almost gently, relishing the deed. Come to think of it, i wish the Present Perfect, Reported Speech, and ridiculously tricky Passive voices could take on human form, so i could murder them one by one, using a variety of weapons and killing techniques. i would then mutilate the bodies and dump them in a reservoir somewhere, for children to find.

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