i return to England on Thursday, for a fortnight. Germany is so bizarrely safe, i fear i will be murdered on the streets of Manchester by gangs of chavs & hoodies and ne’er-do-wells, drawn to my trusting, happy-go-lucky demeanour. Things i will miss about Germany, in no particular order:

1. My cooler students, a renegade mix of military-like firefighters, engineers, managers, young ladies with fine ankles, deviants, and Teutonic daredevils with a penchant for extreme sports and martial arts.

2. Teaching. Though i don´t want to teach more than 8 hours a day, i’ve come to relish it in a slightly perverted sexual way, rubbing my thighs and slobbering as my students arrive.

3. The other teachers – perhaps because they were handpicked by Morgana they are all weird and cool, and only one is a bad teacher, as far as i can tell (a fat, cunning American who mainly works in a city about 30 km away).

4. Morgana, my boss. A strange, terrifying individual with big tits, pointy ears, David Bowie-like eyes, and a PhD in philosophy. One day she will kill me, ripping my spinal cord out with a Predator-like shriek of rage and triumph. An excellent elf and a fine companion.

5. Safe streets. i´ve been in Germany for 12 months and have only had two near-altercations in that time.Very different to England where i could expect some minor altercation about once a month, at least. In time i became indifferent to the prospect of violent death on the streets, as it seemed so likely to happen there was no point worrying about it. In Germany i’m more likely to be murdered by my boss than by tramp gangs or chavs or nazis.

6. Cheap wine.

7. Dogs in shops.

8. Ravens and crows and general Teutonic weirdness and finding that many of my students are interested in the old gods/runes.

9. Being able to evade most social encounters by saying i don’t speak German and then pretending not to understand my persecutor’s English, with tired shrugs and headshakes and “sorry, i’m not really sure…”

10. There is no 10, no country is perfect.