1. i feel weary but hopeful, as a hard 2 months’ kangarhaus misery should soon end. i haven’t lived in such a hellhole in 5 years and i pray to be spared such horrors in future. i am sometimes curious as to why i suffer so – given that we choose our lives before we are born, in detail, why did the self i have outside of time assent to this foul durance? i think it is that i cannot believe in easy happiness, that i feel one must work hard for anything good, one must sacrifice a great deal for knowledge and mastery, and just as i had to pass through the ordeal of Kiel in 2009, so now i have had to endure the kangarhaus, as the necessary suffering before entering a new life.

i am essentially optimistic; my various miseries & torpors are each time but the prelude to a greater life. i would very much like an easy, happy life, sans kangarhauses and cretins, but i could never credit such happiness – it’s not that i am given wholly to gloom, but that i know suffering is dyed into the fabric; it can be fought or endured, but not simply waved away. It is central, it goes to the roots; as one might say the yew is the evergreen tree of life, deadly to the mortal.

2. It’s been a grim few months and interesting to observe the balance of misery & endurance. Talking about diets and exercise, one of my students said that feeling unhappy is the worst thing for health; and i think this is so. While there is little i can do about the kangarhaus, it is at least possible to seek out little happinesses, to right the balance somewhat. i’ve felt quite close to some kind of final collapse; without my students, Juniper, the poetry of Edward Thomas, white raspberry cheesecake, black coffee, Suede, perhaps i would have gone over some psychological brink – though given most people would already say i’m insane, since as we all know there is no such thing as reincarnation, perhaps this would have merely righted my unbalanced psyche, who knows.

3. A picture i found of the house Wittgenstein built for his sister Gretl – this is the first time i’ve liked the look of it, having previously regarded it as an inhuman slab of slabbery – there’s something pleasing in the deep irregularity, the way all those straight lines only come together in difference, as if each is incomplete, not quite right, but they join and settle – without losing the sense of separate wills and formation. It’s deceptive, apparently bland and wholly regular, but full of internal differences, oppositions, a kind of deep irregularity. i wonder how much is actually Wittgenstein’s design – some say Engelmann did the outside, LW just the insides – and if it WAS LW’s work, if he intended it to mirror Gretl’s character – apparently impeccable, a real know-it-all and prima donna – but full of curious internal divisions, far from unified and monolithic, actually very complicated and irregular.

 

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