1. My adventures in Germany continue. Talking about saunas with a tedious couple of women, one of them wanted to say she likes being whipped with birch twigs, but she didn’t know the English for whipping, birch, or twigs. With birch, i guessed it would be similar to the Berkano rune, so angled: “It’s a tree, the…Berkan…? Berkano?” – the student recognised it, the German being “Birke”. Another victory for Elberry the vitki.

2. Germans are a strange, blunt folk. i’ve now got used to being jostled on the streets, s-bahns, etc., and take advantage of it to jostle people back. Whereas in England, a jostle or shove could lead to being stabbed to death, here it is perfectly acceptable to violently displace human obstacles, and so i have taken to the practice with relish & vim. For example, last week seemingly thousands of small, loud children dared to get on my s-bahn. i dealt with the problem like a true Bavarian, brutally shoving them aside and hissing: “get the fuck out of my way”. In England this would inevitably result in death, in Germany they recognise superior force and rage, and accept it without fuss. With larger adversaries, i usually apply repeated taps to the shoulder and the haughty stare of a British Army officer confronted by funny coloured people jabbering in Foreignese:

i believe it is important to regard the Germans as an essentially comic folk, who might – with centuries of practice – one day become almost English.

3. A mystery – when i return to my flat, it is to the aroma of marijuana. i don’t smoke (anything) and so am at a loss to explain this phenomenon. Perhaps the hippy has pursued me from Kassel, and gets high every day in my flat. Perhaps it is wafted through the walls. Perhaps it is my natural body odour.

4. To my great relief, after the usual summer break, two of my classes resume in early September, so i need only worry about August. i already have 20 extra teaching units lined up for next week, teaching three teenagers from some silly textbook called “Shine”. i hope they are all sexy girls and i can spend those 20 units contemplating the possibility of statutory rape. We shall see. The good news is they probably won’t care what i do with them, so i can give them idiotic and demeaning tasks, like darning my socks or explaining sauerkraut.

5. This morning, my students at a Bavarian car company asked if i’d like a coffee with them after the lesson. i agreed, we went down to the canteen, and i was bemused & curious when all but one of the students departed, wishing me a happy August. The remaining student, a senior manager of some sort, tried to recruit me to some unknown purpose – i hope for brutal assassinations but i think i might just get some private lessons, either with her or a colleague. She has my email address and hopefully i will become her man whore, or at least get some extra work.