1. i am enraged to find my medical insurance is still nearly € 600 a month; i was told it would go down to about € 400 after 9 months, and lo, it has been 9 months and it’s still 1.5 times as much as my rent. This month’s payment bounced, again, so i’ll have to explain myself, again, to these fucking vampires. i feel my asthma worsening as murderous rage excites & perturbs me. If i could, i would strangle my medical insurance company and hurl its livid corpse into a ravine, but alas their customer service has not yet developed a Strangle Me And Throw Me Into A Ravine option, the parasitic bastards.

2. Taught the class of kids today, the girl was only 12 and nice, giggly, vivacious, but about 30 years too young for a chap like me. One of the boys looked permanently jaded and too-cool-to-participate, the other was great fun, talkative and had very good grammar. i quite enjoy these groups because it’s amusingly surreal, how much money these kids have – the girl says she goes on holiday to Crete because “my parents have a house there”, and the talkative boy says his father has his own ship, and one of their friends “owns the Russian internet”. i by contrast can’t even pay my medical insurance; i am not envious, merely irritated to find myself older than Christ and still broke and murderous. It occurs to me that if i hadn’t signed up for medical insurance i would have saved approximately € 5000, and since i haven’t used it, this is a clear case of the 3rd Conditional: if i hadn’t wasted my money on medical insurance, i wouldn’t have spent the last few months worrying about money.

3. Rememorized 700 German words yesterday, in one of my feats of insane & pointless willpower. i’d forgotten about 1/4 of them, and of the ones i remembered, i couldn’t recall the genders of most nouns. It took hours; every time i approached exhaustion i told myself to keep going, until finally i entered a strange mental zone where i lost all sense of a world outside of vocabulary, and the weariness seemed normal. Later, i reflected that i couldn’t have exerted myself so, in Riem, or in Kassel, or Kiel, or England (after leaving university, anyway). i realise how much energy i wasted, enduring variously intolerable or just awkward digs, and how much is freed up now i can live alone, in a peaceful, clean place. i think it’s also a wider transformation; that i am shrugging off some of the broken carapace, becoming undetermined & strange & wayward, unmollified and barbarically insured.

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