At the weekend i went to France to see the Murtaughs and nearly died. It was probably due to their 3 birds (two parrots and one cockatoo), caged but the dander floats freely through the bars and seemed inescapable. i collapsed into unconsciousness and, alas, an ambulance was called.

This is the closest i’ve come to death, losing consciousness for about 15 minutes, probably taking brain damage, and furthermore being saddled with a 5 to 10 thousand Euro bill from the French medical system (thanks to the Deutsche Krankenversicherung‘s deceit, i can’t afford real medical insurance).

i’ve felt strange since then, as if i died in France and my body continues to walk about on autopilot, perhaps inhabited by a sentinel devil, as with Fra Alberigo in the ice. i feel a little surreal to have my debts suddenly and so massively increased, just when i felt i was starting to get a handle on them – all this for one ambulance and a night in hospital; and because i was stupid enough to trust the lying DKV representative, back in Kassel.

i don’t know what will happen when the French find i can’t pay them the money, or at least not within the next few years. In July and August i will have almost no work and so almost no money. i’ve saved just enough money for my taxes, and had to dig deep into my credit card to go to and from France (i left a day early so had to pay double). i doubt the French will be satisfied when i explain that, over the year, i usually earn less than i need to survive, so can’t pay anything back. i suppose they will outsource it to debt collectors  who will try to extract the money from me in the usual way (intimidation and violence).

i feel really helpless and at the mercy of just about everything – birds, the DKV, the French, my bank, McLingua; but fundamentally it is my problem – it is my profoundly flawed nature, that i have no useful skills or abilities, and so cannot earn enough money to afford proper medical insurance; that i was born with malfunctioning lungs; that i should never have been born.

i should have died in France. i felt close and it would have been very easy, i suppose, to simply never regain consciousness. My mind was prepared for death but my body alas was not so philosophical, and i was overwhelmed with raw physical panic and agitation. It is a little disgusting that i cannot simply ignore my body, and act with clarity. It was, i see, an excellent opportunity to resolve the problem of my flawed existence.

Although i failed this time, the clarity & exigence of the moment is instructive. i have felt, all day while teaching, that i’m not really here, that i should have died – indeed, that in some sense i did die there. This detachment enables a useful freedom from normal fears & concerns. i do not want to return to my usual pointless life; in any case, my debts will not allow that. i now owe too much money to live.

My financial situation is the worldly illustration of my problem – that i should never have been born, because i have no worthwhile skills, i can offer nothing to anyone, i merely take & take. But taking must come to an end.