i’ve been feeling quite chipper of late, because i have writing to do, because the weather has improved, and the rest will be to do with the recent McLingua pay rise – quite significant, from a near-beastly 13 € a 45-minute unit to a near-princely 17 €. It makes a sizeable difference; i generally work about 80 units a month for McLingua which means an extra 300 €. In addition to undreamt-of-wealth, weather, and writing, i’ve had some amusing conversations of late, as follow:

1. i have a late evening group with 2 girls and 2 men; one of the men works for the German military, one of the girls works in a bank but wants to quit and if possible get a job in sports training as this is her Germanic obsession. The girl is very hot, a 6 foot blonde valkyrie. The army man was complaining about the poor level of fitness in the military and –

me to Valkyrie: You could get a job working for the army, training these disgusting slobs. You could whip them and call them slaves, send them on forced marches over the mountains and chase them in a jeep, whipping and screaming at them.

Valkyrie: And I could have a personalized jeep, a pink jeep. And I could wear pink hotpants and have a pink whip!

me: Ahh, yes. You could, indeed you could.

Valkyrie [smiles blissfully]: I am imagining it now.

me: Yes.

2. i took over a new group from a California surfer dude teacher, after i substituted once and the students asked to keep me forever as their precious. They work for a private bank so come suited and grim of face but are actually quite amusing in class and two of them are hot babes. When i asked what they’d done over Easter one student looked thoughtful then said: “I ate a lot of Easter chocolate…rabbits?”

me: bunnies.

bunny-eater: I like the chocolate. I eat Easter bunnies every year.

cynic student: You know they are just melted Santas.

bunny-eater: what?

cynic: They melt all the Christmas chocolate no one wants and use it for the bunnies. So you are eating melted angels and melted Santa. [cruel banker laugh, bunny-eater looks appalled]

3. i briefly substituted at a JobCentre class. i did grammar drills with the Present Perfect: one of the students, an amusing Das Boot-looking German called Rainer, responded to every grammar question with combinations of 20 and wild dogs, e.g.:

me: Rainer, how many cups of coffee did you drink yesterday, and how many have you drunk today?

Rainer: Yesterday I have –

me: Yesterday I drank.

Rainer: Ah yes. Yesterday, I ate 20 wild dogs and today I have eaten 20 wild dogs.

me: Okay…good.

and later:

me: Rainer, how long have you had your shoes?

Rainer: I have had my wild dogs for 20 days.

4. My Communist friend wrote to tell me he’s not actually a Communist and that no investment bankers live in his village. He continued in fine form:

You remind me – I hope you will forgive this – of Adolf Hitler, fuming in the library in Vienna writing Mein Kampf while researching runes and Indian mythology, complaining about the mongrelization of Germany and the cultural decadence of the left.

I suspect that the racism you suffered growing up in England is behind what looks like your desire for revenge on the bastards. That would be understandable. But then you would have to enter into some kind of victim status, and your pride does not allow it, especially if it means being identified alongside a bunch of Pakistanis.

(This is in response to my last blog post). i was especially tickled to be compared to Hitler and more or less accused of racism. One of my left-wing friends in England, let’s call him david since that’s his name, claims chavs don’t exist and believes there should be no prisons or nationalities or schools or jobs or money; he angrily compares me to Hitler or “the Nazis” every time i see him. The last time, i told him something like “chavs can be very dangerous, you may change your mind if you actually get in an altercation with them.” He replied: “The Nazis said exactly the same thing about the Jews, elberry. You are using exactly the same language as the Nazis. They talked about the Jews exactly the same way you talk about these non-existent chavs.” Every time i see him it’s the same. Incidentally, david is a vegetarian non-smoker who owns a dog, read Nietzsche, and speaks excellent German.

5. i bought one of these beauties yesterday, a Corona Old Boy:

corona old boy

i then went to McLingua to wait for my evening class, two nice women with whom i have wholly jettisoned the McLingua materials in favour of hardcore Dogme ELT. As i was waiting, Toddball appeared, looking as ever like a fat shambling Chicago John McClane, a particularly sleep-deprived one as he became a father a few weeks ago:


i told him the Communist had compared me to Hitler and he said “yeah you’re just like Hitler” and then i said “he also told me i hate Pakistanis.” Toddball chuckled evilly and said: “You are pretty racist.”

me: What? What makes you say that?

Toddball: You posted that story on Facebook about women being raped in India.

me: And that’s racist? Even though i also post stories about white chav scum and fat stupid American slobs from Chicago? There’s a difference between disliking a culture, and disliking someone’s genetics. i don’t judge people by their genetics; i judge them by their behaviour. So if –

By way of refutation, Toddball pulled out an extremely cool and dangerous-looking lighter he stole from someone in a bar and tried to burn it into my face; however i pulled away and he said: “Made ya flinch. Look at ya, flinching.” He then toyed with mine. He flipped the top lid off and tried to melt it in the flame.

me: i just spent a day’s wages on that. Please don’t destroy it.

Toddball: I want to make it real hot and then burn a hole between your eyes so you got one of them Hindu dots.

6. Later, my evening group came with 3 big glasses of Aperol Spritz (bought from the cafe below McL), and we talked about horses, sexual perversions, pipes, violins, Django Reinhardt, and Yeats. When i think back to my 5 years (or 4.5 to be exact) of office hell, life is quite fine: