1. i find myself broker than usual. My tastes are relatively inexpensive, especially now i’ve greatly reduced my alcohol consumption, but i also work less & less, a natural consequence, it seems, of refusing to teach kids, crash courses, weekends, late evenings, Arbeitsamt. When i do reasonably well with work, and save a bit of gro, something bad invariably happens to wipe out my savings, such as, in 2012, losing about 1300 € in one weekend after nearly dying of asthma. Having had several such experiences, i no longer try to save more than a few hundred euros, and even that is now impossible, since i get less & less work each year.
i feel that one’s deep and largely inexpressible understanding of life derives from such experiences, which is why most people can’t understand my choices – because i tend to have very different experiences.
2. At the moment i feel as if my life is in slow-motion collapse about me. Perhaps it is age, or perhaps a result of six months largely without the “internal dialogue”, but my character is changing, in ways which bring me further & further from my colleagues, my job, my earthly existence. A few weeks ago my Arbeitsamt class started shouting at me in German, because they couldn’t understand the Present Progressive; i am generally quite a patient teacher, so tried to simplify it, but 4 or 5 out of 14 students were shouting things like “that is stupid!” and “I will never understand this bullshit!” in German, and since it was 10 minutes to the end i just packed my bag, said “fine, then” and left, and told McLingua i won’t teach this group again (one of the many reasons i’m broker than usual now).
As i was leaving the building one of the students ran after me to apologise, and say it wasn’t meant personally against me. i told her “i know. i don’t take it personally. But i can’t teach people who don’t cooperate.” And indeed, i felt a total lack of anger or even irritation, just a forceful resolve to leave. i have done similar things since, for example staring coldly at Toddball when he leered “look at this fucking creepy guy creeping in” as i came into the building earlier this week; i would once have forced a half-assed smile of “ho ho ho, yes, let’s all laugh at me, that’s what i’m here for, ho ho ho”. i don’t feel any recognisable emotion, but realise my actions would strike most observers as aggressive and confrontational.
Because i don’t feel any emotion in these situations, it’s hard to control my actions – i don’t feel i’m doing anything untoward, and only later do i reflect that i am acting like The Cop or Molloy, both of whom have walked out of uncooperative classes, and neither of whom respond well to mockery.
The McLingua scheduler has tried to find me more classes (at the moment i have about 2 hours’ work a day, and 2 hours’ unpaid traveling) but it always clashes with one of the few classes i have. It’s got to the point where we exchange a well-worn “not again” look when i compare her appointments with my almost totally empty calendar, and find i can’t take the classes. It seems to strike even her as curious, as if the teaching gods don’t want me to have work.
3. i feel as if the stitching of my teaching life is being slowly but methodically unpicked, and the seams of the last 6 years are coming naturally apart. i find i can’t even properly panic about my impending financial doom, indeed i even bought some 75 € shoes (reduced from 300 €!) and have booked a flight to Finland to conspire with the Man in Black as foretold in days long past – not a prudent decision given i am making less than i need to live, but it feels like the right thing to do, and so there it is. With my new propensity for confrontation i wonder if, as in Manchester in 2009, i will do something which makes my life here untenable – then, it was a sudden spasm of rage, and i found myself telling one of my fat stupid manageresses off, with some vigour, and an odd German accent, jabbing my finger at her fat stupid face and then stalking majestically out, thinking later, Fuck, i’m going to get fired.
4. i was moved to donate some of the money i don’t have to my favourite youtube channel, Vee – an amusing Romanian who looks like some kind of beast man from Game of Thrones; then i decided to set up my own Patreon account in the sudden wild hope that i would suddenly go from my usual dozen-or-so readers to thousands, hundreds of thousands, and some of them would feel inexplicably moved to give me gro. i’m by no means desperate for money – i can just use my UK credit card to stay afloat, and get even more in debt, and if need be i could agree to teach kids, late evenings, Saturdays. i’m not keen on being paid for this blog but on reflection it could motivate me to write more often – i have ideas for posts quite often but usually can’t be bothered, since almost no one reads this blog, my 7-year-old PC is on its last legs, and anyway i see my writings as the literary equivalent of stick figure doodles and vile graffiti carved on an old school desk out of boredom & hate.
Anyway, i will no doubt continue to blog here, and also when the fit takes me on my more obviously satirical blog, however my proposal is that if i can raise a tenner a month i’ll try to post here at least once a month; if i get 50 dollars, i’ll try and post once a fortnight; and in the unlikely event of getting 100 dollars a month, i’ll try and post every week. It sounds funny talking about such ridiculously high sums, given i have about a dozen readers and i think most or even all of them are broke, or have children (which automatically makes one permanently broke). i think some of them are even more broke than me, which takes a lot of work. i do have a lot of ideas for blog posts – film reviews, book reviews, anecdotes from work, hate-filled Tory rants, but because my PC is so laboriously slow, and i’m lazy, i can’t be bothered writing most of them, and so they are forgotten. As far as i can tell Patreon is anonymous, unlike Paypal – so when i sent Vee some gro via Paypal i got his real name & address, but via Patreon just his homepage and stage name. i’m presuming it works both ways, so both patron and base-born serf are anonymous.
Anyway, i don’t expect a single contribution since i have almost no readers and they are all broke, but just in case, my patreon is here.