1. i am growing a Brexit beard, to infuriate the Left. At the moment i look like i just got out of prison and am in the mood for love, i predict that in another fortnight i will look like a full-on Muslim and end up accidentally drawn into a Jihaddist rape cell, by my beard. The bile spewed out by the white liberal Bremain losers is amusing unto my beard, and i find some of my more Leftie colleagues avoid talking to me now, fearing no doubt my propensity to fascist manliness, and my beard. i almost wish i had more English colleagues so i could smile as they mumble angrily and avoid eye contact; as it is, i have mostly only American colleagues so must content myself with remarks such as “of course, i will vote for Trump” and “didn’t Hilary Clinton rape an intern with a cigar?” – but that isn’t really the same, since i don’t care who wins the US elections.

2. In addition to beard development, i have been watching the footballs, some kind of European version of the World Cup. Amusing that some of the Bremain camp thought England would have to leave this footballs in the event of Brexit (though i presume this was just a joke).  However, i do find it bizarre that people think being European, liking European culture (or at least preferring it to American, Chinese, 3rd World Islam etc.) means you have to fanatically support a political system of unaccountable bureaucrats who call themselves “the European Union.” Here’s an analogy for you: i like whisky, therefore i have to join the Scottish Whisky Association. Here’s another analogy: i like Durham Cathedral, Dante, Haydn, therefore i have to become a Roman Catholic, pay church tax, and if anyone tries to leave the Church i must attack him and blame him for everything bad that happens to anyone thereafter. If i say, “no, i’m not actually a Christian” then i can no longer go to Italy, can no longer read Dante, or listen to Haydn. Or, to use Daniel Hannan’s analogy, i like football therefore i must support Fifa.

3. Footballs are generally tedious and wearying. England, as in every World European Cup, are listless and petulant and my predictions are now: England will get knocked out either by Iceland tonight, or in the next round; in the end it will come down to Germany, Belgium, or France. i have some ideas on how to enliven the game, however:

i) Second ball to be tossed onto the pitch for 10 minutes whenever the game gets too dull; goals can now be scored with either ball.

ii) Coaches to be able to run onto the pitch and play for 2 minutes per game, randomly determined – however, they must wear their usual clothes.

iii) Dance off between opposing teams to determine the result in the event of a draw.

But i’m no expert: i often wonder why the goalie, since he can legally carry the ball, can’t just walk towards the enemy, surrounded by a phalanx of players to fight off the other team, and then toss it into the goal. i presume someone has created a rule to prevent this, alas – fucking EU again.