1. As per my submission to the Almighty, i now have a lot of one-on-one students on whom to sate my vile & teacherly lusts. With one, by name Corinne, late-30s, married, little baby called Rudolf, unemployed, bearing an odd resemblance to the first girl i fell in love with 20 years ago, i discuss dobermannry and fascism and the nature of male violence, e.g:
Elberry. How are you? You look beat.
Corinne: Rudolf was moaning for hours, and I tried everything, I am seeing if he needs food or changing, but he moans and moans. At the Kita (creche) they say he is fine, everything good, and then we come home and he starts moaning.
Elberry: I see. [thoughtful pause] Well, what i found with dobermanns, is that they get bored if you don’t take them for long walks, then they prowl around eating the walls and howling. You should take him hunting. Does he have any Barbour apparel?
Corinne: But he is only 15 months old.
Elberry: Well obviously, you don’t want to start with bear-hunting.
2. We were talking about money and she said that, having never had any, she doesn’t think about it overly; but her husband (studied Music & Journalism and now miraculously has a job on a classical music magazine) comes from a wealthy family and is always worrying about money and compares himself to his far-wealthier siblings and parents. i said that i have largely ceased to worry about money, and just accept that if i am to die, i will die; and if i get enough work, i will live. Lunatic as this sounds, it has worked the last 12 years, i.e. since i stopped taking money from the G and began working.
This is likewise why i give nothing to charity. A very Germanic do-gooder young woman intercepted me on the street in my ‘hood, trying to get me to part with coin. First i asked if she was lost, since i’ve never before seen Chuggers in my village; then she switched to English and started going on about starving black children. i told her i had only 7 Euros in my bank and had had to use my UK credit card to buy a train ticket for the month. She continued grinning and babbling about starving black children, and how i could give as little as 25 cents a day.
Elberry: i already owe 10 grand to my UK credit card, and you want me to give you MORE money?
Chugger [close to tears]: But they are children!
Elberry: Lady, i don’t care about these children. i don’t know them. They may not even exist. i only care about people i know.
Then i fixed her with The Elberry Stare, and stalked magisterially off, to find i’d actually been paid and had enough money to buy gin and give money to starving black children, so i went and bought gin and then went home and made myself a pretty good g & t and read esoteric fascist literature in peace & quiet.
Talking about this to another one-on-one student, a Croatian called Zlatko, i said i pay my taxes every year and haven’t asked anything from the G since i began work in 2004. i survived the difficult 6 months in Kiel, after inlingua fired me without warning or explanation, and the many slow months in Munich, because i have a credit card, and because some people (mostly the Viking and my mother) value me enough to lend me money, money i am frankly unlikely to ever be able to repay.
When i try to save money, something bad always happens, as witness 2012 when i ill-advisedly went to visit the Communist in France, had a nearly-fatal asthma attack (he collects birds as pets, toxic to my lungs), and all my savings were in one stroke wiped out.
i therefore just try to live month to month and assume the world will end soon and all of this will be meaningless. And i trust that if you are a decent(ish) human being, you don’t need charity, because people will like you and help you; and i don’t require some all-encompassing bureaucracy to care for every possible situation. i am willing to trust the Almighty, and avoid the Government and the Left as much as an Elberry can.
3. Because it is otherwise impossible to understand the internet, i have begun watching Game of Thrones. i read the first 900-page volume in 2009, started the second but after 150 pages realised i hadn’t enjoyed a single page and stopped. The TV show is far superior, i might say as superior as the Lord of the Rings films were inferior to the book. i’m on Season 6 now. For me, the show is concerned with weakness, the failure of planning & the undermining of strength, and the new possibilities of those denuded of their strength – thus far the character arc of Jaime Lannister who begins as a smirking apple polisher Southron, the consummate warrior and Beckham, a feared killer and golden boy all-rounder:
is then broken and defiled, and then becomes a far more interesting character, a man without strength.
In his weakness, robbed of all that had made him great, he creates a bond with another character, and becomes a truly new human being, with the ironic complexity of the newly-made-weak, e.g. when he and a warrior face several enemies, the warrior asks “how many can you take?” and Jaime replies, “Maybe one. If he’s slow.”
But in a spiritual sense, our weakness is our potential.
i have noted that my most interesting life-stages coincide with my weaknesses, with abnegation & acceptance, so talking with Corinne about money i reflected that in at least two of my other lives i could have bought my way out of almost anything, and now i can’t even pay my rent; and this amused me, albeit somberly, for i seem the more open to the divine, the more i disengage from worldly strength.
4. On Thursday morning, walking to a new class, i was thinking about genetic inheritance and Shrekh, my Pakistani Muslim (now militant atheist) school friend, who was born in Britain, raised by uneducated working class Pakistani parents who seemed honest enough to me; but nonetheless Shrekh & his sisters all shoplifted without shame, seemingly for fun, and Shrekh at school would occasionally masturbate through his trousers when he saw the 6th Form girls; in his mid- 20s he got to know some girl and threatened to kill her, then told me he felt sorry for his words, feeling he was acting like “a typical Paki”. Did his father at some point take him aside and say, “now son, when you see a white bitch you must start to masturbate, and if she talks to you, you must threaten to kill her if she disobeys you”? i found this unlikely.
So as i was walking to my class, i wondered if such behaviour could be on some level genetic, a thought i have long resisted as seeming too close to the Dune genetic theory, in which every ancestor’s mind resides in our blood. But since i doubt anyone taught him to semi-openly masturbate at women, and to steal, and these are hallmarks of the Merkel Muslims, i began to wonder if even 10th-generation Pakistanis would still act in this way, no matter their cultural environment. Certainly, if one considers the crime statistics for blacks in America, and Muslims in Europe, it seems so.
So anyway, i was brooding darkly on Pakistani culture, and then came to my class and found several new students, one a 50-something Pakistani – the first new Pakistani i’ve talked to in a decade – he seemed nervous about me, a reaction i’ve mostly experienced in students from highly authoritarian backgrounds.
He came to Germany as a student in the 80s, and has a real job. i asked if he felt his character had changed after 30 years in the Reich, he said it had, he had taken on German habits of order, punctuality, etc. He remarked once on Pakistan and India as British colonies, and i got the feeling he was one of the darkies like my father, who belong to that specifically upper-class strata of educated subjects, not English and not exactly Indian/Pakistani. On the whole i got a good feeling and liked him, though if he gives me a rucksack and asks me to take it to the Bavarian Parliament i will whip out my Uzi pen and use it without delay or restraint.
5. Later that day, i taught a Spaniard at a big IT company and, talking about the complacency of the West, i referred to Varg Vikernes’ video, describing him as “a black metal musician who murdered another musician and spent 15 years in prison, and now lives in France”. My point was that Varg has the kind of strength developed through deprivation (15 years in prison), through worldly opposition (a Muslim could have committed exactly the same crimes and got 9 months’ probation at most), and he is neither good nor evil, but just himself, and that this is the model of man the survivor, in a world before & after the State. i described him as “unlike most today, an individual” and since my Spaniard student looked slightly unnerved, i added, “of course, a dangerous individual, but then every true individual can be dangerous.”
About 24 hours later, Varg released this video:
6. There have been a few such “synchronicities” of late, where my thoughts or my words are then soon echoed or modified in some fashion. i find these times come and go, but they are always interesting, as suggesting a greater order to our reality – not, i think, a necessarily moral order, though the Pakistani student seemed provided to correct my assumption that all Pakistanis will always remain essentially Muslim, publicly masturbating and stealing and so on.
This is, i think, to do with the divine – that the ordinary & habitual sychnronicity of our lives, that structuring mechanism of time & space, becomes meaningful when one’s attention is given to a god. This necessitates an acceptance of extra-worldly motive and intervention, and can appear as weakness & irresolution, to the worldly.
The Left is a fairly new phenomenon, i would say it is merely one aspect of the Machine Age, along with every totalitarian regime (including Nazism): the desire to make the individual, and society, as mechanical and ordered and transparent as possible, cogs in the great machine. In this order, nothing may be left to chance.
i was born in this world, but have come to accept the raw and unmediated nature of things, before the gods. It is a headier atmosphere, on the mountain ways, where you may become homeless, be required to take your own life, be destroyed, but the great uncertainty comes with great freedom and the possibilities of magic and true power, a power surpassing magic as magic surpasses worldly understanding.
To renounce the apparent security of the worldly, of the Leftist bureaucracy, and stand alone before uncertainty and the gods – that requires a Varg-like wildness and character, or, in my case, the weakness & persistence of one who can be broken and despised, and yet survive. i no longer expect anything of the world of man, and the dream of the Left – an all-encompassing prison planet where the Elite quaff champagne in their well-furnished Government offices, and dole out justice and mercy to the reprobate & deserving – that disgusts me, that is a Tower of Babel fantasy and would, if somehow achieved, only produce the half-men of the Left, weaklings and sniveling hysterical degenerates, i.e. Social Justice Warriors, Feminists. But it will fail and fail hard, as foretold of yore in Genesis 11, and as witnessed in the socialist hell of the USSR, and latterly Venezuela.
The awakening will come hard to many.