i finally saw Rogue One, and was of course disappointed, as i am by everything in the modern world. However, it was passable entertainment and i can’t sleep, so here are my immediate reactions.

1. It has Mads Mikkelsen, which is obviously a good thing. It also, in the first 5 minutes, has the line: “You’re a hard man to find.” Presumably, the script will also feature: “drop the gun”, “let the girl go”, “we’ve got company” and “I have a bad feeling about this.”

2. Mikkelsen’s daughter grows up to be a Feminist called Jayna Oso. Inevitably, she is amazing at everything and can take down half a dozen Stormtroopers while the Rebel men stand there looking amazed, because they are stupid and useless and women kick ass and are like totally awesome.

3. Only fully-rounded and worthwhile character is a robot who has Tourette’s and seems to be modelled on Withnail.

4. Feminist runs around being petulant. She berates a real Rebel: “you might as well be a Stormtrooper!” – next she will call him a Nazi and a fascist and then put on a vagina hat and cry because Vader is President and her father is Hannibal Lector.

5. Some gooks appear. One is blind, another carries a huge-ass gun.

6. Forrest Whittaker appears, inexplicably.

7. i have no idea what is going on.

8. The Feminist is really getting on my nerves. She needs a good slap.

9. Darth Vader appears. His voice is highly unsatisfying. Also he doesn’t look as daunting as in the original trilogy.

10. Some good X-Wing pilots with 1940 RAF ‘staches. The battle scenes are all very well done, and the air combat has the “Spitfire vs Messerschmidt” magic of yore.

11. People are running around and saying things like “rebellions are built on hope” and everyone nods like that makes sense and is a sound basis for tactical operations. They should all die.

12. Peter Cushing appears. He looks kind of weird, like Hillary Clinton. Isn’t he dead? What year is it? Did i imagine the original Star Wars films, or did they really happen?

13. People shooting at other people. i’m only vaguely aware that the good guys are trying to get into a bad guy base to do something but i don’t know what. Am i supposed to know?

14. Soundtrack is like Peter Cushing’s face.

15. Vader slaughters a dozen Rebels with the Force and his glowing red phallus. Vader is Oh Dae-Su armed with a lightsaber instead of hammer, slaying his way down a corridor of scum – they should have just repeated this scene two hundred times, spliced in a few 1940s RAF ‘staches, kept the two gooks (who were rather good), had an enigmatic 2-seconds of Forrest Whittaker using his Frank Booth mask

and cut the rest of the film, i would have happily watched this for two hours, cheering “crush those Rebel scum, Lord Vader! For fascism! Hoorah! Hoorah! Hoorah!”

15. The plucky heroes succeed in whatever they were trying to do.

16. Everyone dies.

17. Carrie Fisher appears. Isn’t she dead? Maybe i’m dead and we are in the Congress with Robin Wright:

 

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