1. i’m only writing because i’m unsure if i’ll have any energy/time next week, and feel it’s better to blog something than let even the faint desire totally gutter out. For a while i felt that i just had nothing at all to say, then realised that i actually rarely have anything to say, it’s just that sometimes i feel like writing and so can conjure some words out of my nothing-to-say. In such times my posts seem more satisfactory, or at least less shit. i am, unfortunately, in a trough at present, and have been growing increasingly sociophobic over the last year or two, now to the point where i regard social contact as a gruesome ordeal; seeing Juniper over Easter in a sense only made this clearer, as i don’t feel depleted or damaged by her company, and so i realised just how abnormal my aversion to humanity is, that almost every social situation leaves me feeling exhausted and horrified by the relentless stupidity, torpor, and ugliness of humanity.

2. i have my most feared group tomorrow, 3 team/personal assistants, women, aged 25, 41, and early 50s. The youngest has very good English and would be easy to teach one-on-one; the 41-year-old has terrible English and is essentially a mindless beast, someone whose only hobbies are running and going to the gym and has been contentedly doing exactly the same job since she was 17; the 50-ish woman is somewhere in the middle, in terms of her English; she is a haughty power frau type who the others dislike. It’s not a terrible group really, just unteachable because too heterogeneous and the students don’t use English at work or home, and the older women are very clear that they don’t want to do the McLingua books, don’t want to do grammar, don’t want to read articles, and regard talking as a waste of time.

They are typical German students: they think they know how to learn a language better than me, and yet miraculously fail to make the slightest progress, and then blame me even though i accede to their whims. And had i not acceded, they would have complained about me and i would be one step closer to having all my work taken away, and being then blacklisted by every McLingua in the world. i went away for one Monday and optimistically suggested getting a replacement teacher, hoping they would get some 25-year-old bimbo with whom they could talk about shoes and lipstick and “wellness” and “making sport”, and they would stick with her, but alas they said they would just wait for me to return and so we are now locked in this hell together for another 3 months.

3. Work as usual is barely sufficient – i made 1380 Euros last month before tax, will make about 1200 this month, provided yet more groups don’t cancel (they always do). It is only possible to manage by having no real health insurance, no pension, and only taking holidays when i would have no work anyway, and where i can sleep on someone’s sofa. The Patreon donations are appreciated, partly because money is, well, money; and partly because it gives me some motivation to write at all.

i long lost any sense of my writings as worthwhile, a necessary strategy that nonetheless robs me of the will to write for others. i can just about soldier on at personal projects, where the writing is a means of working something out, but it means i stalled on my comedy horror occult tale because, after all, no one will even want to read it; and in the unlikely event of anyone reading it, the response would be a shrug or criticisms of the “this is unrealistic” type.

4. Yet all this is good and to be desired. i put it to myself thus: if my writings are shit, then it’s best that no one read them; if they are good then perhaps they need to be written for myself only, and will turn up on a rubbish tip somewhere in a thousand years, when Europe has been a post-apocalyptic nuclear wasteland for many centuries. The latter is a pleasant thought – some filth-encrusted savage pulling my manuscript out of a pile of broken electronics and plastics, in what was once Munich, and presumably being able to read 2017-era English; but the former explanation is, of course, more likely.

 

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